I am so colossally bad at this.

I am not a blogger. I am back on xanga again (and who knows why? No one reads my posts since going AWOL in 2006) but without any promise of consistency. Two years and one child later (a 5 month old girl named Mercy) I have returned. I'd love to take this chance to talk all about Mercy but I just can't today. I will at a later date. I have to take a moment to process and to explain why I am back on xanga. I got an email from my college friend this afternoon about a close friend of theirs (her and her husband's) who passed away this morning in a car accident. I am so profoundly sad for them, for the family and friends and I have not been able to shake that feeling. I have been thinking and praying for them throughout the day.

I went to bed but could not sleep so I am up at 12:12 AM processing and writing down some thoughts. Here are some of my jumbled thoughts:

J just passed away in a terrible car crash today. He was 28. The tremendous weight of sorrow and grief sits heavily upon me. This is such a tragedy. I know as a Christian, we aren't suppose to see it that way but the reality of it is that it is such a sad and tremendous loss. As I held my baby, Mercy, and cradled Josiah’s face in my hands tonight, I could not help but think how unspeakable it would be to lose them. My heart broke as I thought of J’s mother. I began to cry as I pictured his mother and brother sitting in his room with all his things—things he used just that morning or the way the bed is unmade b/c he was going to make his bed later; the way his toothbrush is waiting for him on the bathroom counter, the half-filled glass of juice he didn’t finish this morning, or the eerie stillness of the house. Oh, I mourn for this family. Lord, be merciful to them.

How does a mother go on when her child dies before she does? I think of P. Saunders losing her son, J. How does anyone go on when he/she loses a loved one? What about T. Stein’s family? I thought of my own cousin, C., who died when I was five. Or losing my grandfather when I was 14. So many thoughts. Part of me is so sorrowful and the other so thankful. I feel guilty for being thankful. I am so thankful for each day, each moment, and each loved one. I am so thankful for JM, Josiah and Mercy. They are a gift from God. While I know they are only a loan from God for this lifetime on earth, it is so hard to process letting go of them one day. I remind myself that we all pass on from this life to the afterlife at some point. And the afterlife is banqueting and partying with Jesus. With food! Eating glorious food with either no waistline growth or wearing elastic pants is acceptable! Even with that fact in mind, I mourn. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. I think back to when C. died and how devastated I was. I remember him and I miss him, but the pain has passed. The sadness is still there but the pain has passed. But it took so long for the pain to subside. I remember even ten years later, I was still mourning. Death is hard. Death of a loved one leaves an inexpressible void and loss. It can't be fully captured in enough words or tears.

I am reminded of the big picture: Don’t miss opportunities to love and be loved. Don’t miss the chance to tell Josiah how proud you are of him or to spend an extra ten minutes playing with Mercy. Don’t miss the chance to linger in JM’s arms or to love him well and never tire of affirming him.
I am Asian so I rarely verbalize praise or adoration of those I most love. Man, I am so proud of Josiah and the young boy he is becoming. He is so amazing, so intelligent, funny, loveable, polite, and thoughtful. He shines in all he does. What a gift from God! He loves life and loves people. He is winsome and can make anyone smile. He is a joy to everyone and can engage anyone no matter what mood or state they are in. What a tender yet dynamic and strong boy!

And Mercy is my little sunshine. Her smiles brighten up my world. When she sees me, she lights up with a big smile and I feel like a million dollars. Her laugh is utterly delightful and I could spend all day staring at her, laughing with her and delighting in her. She is so beautiful, so responsive, full of love and life. I am so proud of her and I can’t wait for her to continue to blossom into a beautiful woman of grace and mercy.

And my dear love, my husband, JM. He really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. How blessed I am to be married to him! He is my strength and my rock. I really don’t let him know enough. I think about how I interact with him daily and how I take him for granted, and I cringe. I need some communication coaching. I need to do a better job expressing my appreciation, admiration and love for him. But it is awkward to wake him up to him and say, "Honey. You are the best. I just woke you up to tell you that I love you so much...." Ideally, he will read this blog. :) Anyway, I don’t know what I would do without him. He loves me so well. He loves our children so well. He is godly, thoughtful, intelligent, honest, well-spoken, excellent communicator, compassionate, and strong. He is humble, a man of character, integrity, and respect. He is so fun and goofy sometimes. His good attributes far outweigh any of the few shortcomings I manage to point out in a moment of frustration. He hears me and knows me well. Thank you, God, for the gift of J. and the reminder of how precious he is to me. Show me how to love and appreciate him more each day.

I hope my family knows how much I love them.

And Lord, I hope you know how much I love you too. I long to be at your feet and spending my life on loving and living for you. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Teach me to be aware of you in each and every situation and circumstance in my life. I don’t want to go through the motions and movements of life. I want to be a vessel and a servant for you in every divine and mundane moment in my day. Sometimes, I just don’t know how. Sometimes, I know and willfully choose not to do so. Sorry about those times. Teach me your ways O Lord that I may walk in your truth. I am humbled by this tragedy and reminded of how short life can be here on earth. It isn't about me. This life of mine isn't about me and what I want out of life at all. I am reminded in the midst of my tendency to constantly acquire, consume, and complain.

Lord, I thank you that J is with you at your banqueting table. Be with the ones left behind: J's family, the K's, and all their friends and family that this tragedy has touched. Help them in the midst of their pain and sorrow. Be present, be near, O God, be merciful to the mourning in the midst of their unspeakable grief and loss. In Jesus' name, Amen.

It has been a long while since I've been on xanga and with good reason. We had Josiah on August 9, 2005 at 6:55 am. (He was 6 hrs and 55 minutes late.) He was born 9 lbs 3 oz. Six months later, he is 26 lbs and becoming a little boy. He will be 7 months tomorrow.

Anyone with a child will tell you that life is hectic in the first 3 to 4 months. Hence, no xanga entry for me. During month 5 and 6, I was trying to catch up on life. Still haven't caught up yet but I thought I would write an xanga entry to let you know that I am still alive and I haven't disappeared after giving birth to Josiah.

So what is it like being a mother? There's nothing quite like it. If I wrote everything I was thinking, you would probably only make it to paragraph 4 out of 20. So in short, Josiah delights me everyday with his cuteness and affection. I thoroughly smother him with hugs and kisses b/c I can't help myself. His father smothers him more b/c Josiah is just too irresistible. He is just too cute to us.
Every little move, expression, eye brow raise, shriek of delight, grunt, and babble brightens my day and makes me fall in love with my baby boy even more. He has been overall a wonderful well-behaved infant. I really cannot complain. The first three months were tough because life was tough for him hence it was tough for his parents, his caretakers. He was trying to figure where he was and why he had to make an effort to eat and sleep. He loved his swing for the first 4 months and we wondered if he'd ever come out of the swing. Eventually he transitioned into his crib where he rolls around and body-slams Mr. Hobbes (his stuffed tiger/cat) from side to side as he rolls back and forth before he goes to sleep. It is quite a sight! He sleeps through the night and naps well. He is a good little boy!


We have pictures up on our website: www.themarchfamily.org if you've never seen him.
I need to update the pictures but I won't get to that until May 1st. I have to finish my classes first.



Can't believe we have a son! Can't believe I am a mom! Next time, I will write about some of the hardest things about being a mom. But give me some time (like a few weeks) to write it!